We can't be friends... or can we?

Loved this article today!

We can't be friends.

She definitely sounds like the kind of mom I want to be friends with, and the kind of friend I want to be to other moms. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves?

To moms of one or two children

My genius husband hooked me up with yet another great article!  Read it here. This article has given me the boost I need to love my kids a little more every day, by reminding the right perspective on parenting: letting go and trusting our Heavenly Father.

My favorite passage from this article:

I need God more.

I need Him in the morning. At noon. And at night. I need Him to wipe my tears when my baby won't let me sleep at night. I need Him to calm my heart when I'm changing bed sheets at 2am. I need Him to keep my children safe because I only have two hands and one set of eyes and crossing a parking lot means holding on tight but it also means letting go of "I can do this, I can do this" and trading it for "God, You are with me and You love them, too."

I need His patience. 
I need His joy.
I need His love.

The Invisible Mother

This week, I struggled to recognize the value I add to our family.  All I could see were my many weaknesses and none of my strengths.  

Then my husband showed me this article, called The Invisible Mother by WhatcomFamilies.com.  It reminded me of what I am working for as a mother, and also what my mother (and my mother-in-law) worked for in raising me and Jeff.  None of the details of our lives of raising children are lost in the eyes of our Heavenly Father, though they often go unnoticed to everyone but Him.  

I couldn't help but think of the many breathtaking monuments we saw during our adventure in Europe this summer.  Though we can't know the names of the creators nor the sacrifices made in the making of these masterpieces, we do know the majesty of their enduring gifts.  

Take a look...

Stonehenge

Roman Baths

Cathedral in Puerto de Mallorca, Spain

Stained glass window in Mallorca, Spain

details on the cathedral in Lucca, Italy. 

Tower of Pisa, Italy

Pisa baptistry, Italy

Colosseum in Rome, Italy

Pantheon in Rome, Italy

inside the Pantheon in Rome, Italy

Unnamed cathedral in Venice, Italy

Doge's Palace in Venice, Italy

Tiled floor of San Marco's Cathedral in Venice, Italy

Rialto bridge in Venice, Italy

Santa Anna's Cathedral in Venice, Italy

Inside Notre Dame Cathedral in Marseilles, France

Salt Lake City Temple in Utah

I believe I am a complex, purposefully constructed cathedral created by my parents both earthly and heavenly.  I also believe that my children are beautiful cathedrals in the making.  No monotonous detail lacks value in the lives of our precious little mini-cathedrals :).

Modest is Hottest?

I heard that phrase at least a million times as I was growing up.  Honestly, hearing it always irked me a little bit, but I didn't know exactly why.  I think this article sums it up beautifully.

Modest is Hottest? by Beauty Redefined

I would love to hear your thoughts! 

Dustin Hoffman on Women's Beauty

How do you feel about this video?  

Mom's Body Image

Here is a beautiful article I found through my dear sister, Natalie.  

My favorite passage from the article:

Let us honor and respect our bodies for what they do instead of despising them for how they appear. Focus on living healthy and active lives, let our weight fall where it may, and consign our body hatred in the past where it belongs. When I looked at that photo of you in the white bathing suit all those years ago, my innocent young eyes saw the truth. I saw unconditional love, beauty, and wisdom. I saw my Mom.

I believe we are all prone to be critical of our bodies, especially as we sacrifice them time and time again for the well-being of our children.  What starts out as a noble sacrifice turns in to self-loathing as we persist in noticing all the "wrong" about our bodies.  I wish there was an easier answer to the problem of women's bad body image.  I guess the best answer for me is that we can choose to love ourselves a little bit better every day.  

(For the record, my mom did a marvelous job of showing me the worth of women regardless of outer appearances!) 

I liked this too much not to share...

To Parents of Small Children

I have been thinking a lot about this very topic lately.  I especially like how he encourages parents to stop comparing themselves to the people who write how-to-be the-perfect-parent blogs.  I plan to write a lot more about this topic very soon (the title will be "The Iron Rod does NOT go through the Great and Spacious Building"), but for now I want to remind those who feel desperately inadequate because of the many mommy blogs out there (or facebook, pinterest, magazines, TV, novels etc) that these sources are NOT gospel truths.   They are personal opinions and experiences. Period.

What is truth?  Scriptures, patriarchal blessings, spiritual affirmations, general conference talks, direction from priesthood authorities, and family relationships.

The reason why I feel so strongly about this is because I also struggle with comparing myself to others, especially when it comes to parenting.  I think everyone does to a certain extent.  The good thing is that if you're struggle with comparing, it probably means you really care about your kids.  A LOT.  Which is the most important thing in parenting anyway :)

Some Alternatives to Punishment

I love this article from SW Parents.

It has helped me rethink how I approach my two-year-old's behavior.  We have been struggling with independence and stubbornness lately, and so my natural reaction is to put my foot down and say "No!  I'm the mom so I get to make all the decisions!"  In essence, I'm giving her the perfect example of a stubborn, independence driven temper tantrum.  I didn't stop to realize that my child's "misbehavior" is also a form of communication.  I should have seen her tantrums as a way of saying "Mom, I'm growing up.  I can handle this."  And you know what, she can.  And you know what else?  The "punishments" we have used in the past really don't work very well.  It just creates negativity and hurt feelings.

I learned a valuable trick from my sister recently.  Instead of nagging her kids to eat their dinner, she cheers them on by saying "Go, Eva, go!  You can do it!"  Talk about an uplifting dinner routine!  Since then, my two-year-old has started cheering us on when we eat all our food.  It's pretty much the cutest thing ever!  That never would have happened if I had continued threatening my daughter instead of encouraging her.

As a final note, I'm not saying that we should let our kids walk all over us parents.  I'm just saying there is a better way than letting yourself get worked up about misbehavior, a lesson I have had to learn over and over again.  (I will probably have to learn it many more times before I get the hang of it!) So try encouragement instead of threats.  These tricks might work for you:

From SW Parents:

1. Show kids what you DO want them to do, and support them, encourage them, catch them doing it, praise them.  Give them positive options!
2. Change the child’s environment so that it supports positive behaviors.  Simple example: don’t keep the jar of cookies where your 3 year old can reach them.  More complex example: figure out how long of a playdate your kid can handle before falling apart.  Keep playdates within that time frame until you’re both ready to experiment with incremental increases.
3. Figure out what’s behind the unwanted/negative behaviors.  Behavior is a communication, I like to say… what is your child’s behavior saying to you?  Hint: it’s usually something along the lines of: “I’m tired and over stimulated” or “I can’t handle this much freedom,” or “I really need more time with you/attention from you,” or “Something’s not right with me,” or  “I am not getting enough opportunities to feel powerful and in charge of my life.”  When parents understand what the child’s behavior is communicating, they can better meet the underlying need… which generally has a positive effect on the unwanted behavior!

Teaching Kids How To ARGUE?

Yes, you read the title correctly!  I just came across a very interesting article about teaching your kids the right way to argue.  I never realized that the process of arguing is a way for kids to learn reason and use logic.  Like learning to share, you can't avoid this important milestone.  So we need to make the most of it.  The goal as a parent is to TEACH your child the RIGHT way to argue and to set a standard of agreeable disagreement.  :)  Taking advantage of this developmental stage could really pay off when your child becomes a teenager.

I also learned that it is futile to argue with a child under the age of 3.  Looks like I'll need to remember this article in a few years...

Read the article HERE.

Teaching Kids to Work

Submitted by Ashlee --

This is a chore chart we instituted several weeks ago in response to a truly horrible day.
I had reached a breaking point with uncooperative and lazy attitudes.

The chore chart works thusly: First thing in the morning I write down what chores need to be done. After breakfast the boys must accomplish their list of chores before any play. You will notice there are 3 boxes to check off. This is to address the particular problems we had been experiencing.
The first is to indicate that the chore just plain old got done... I always inspect their work to make sure that things were done properly.
The second is for staying on task (ie. I shouldn't have to tell you to "keep cleaning!" 20,000 times before the job is actually finished. I don't actually enjoy being a nag!)
The third box is for having a good attitude. Any whining, fighting, complaining, eye rolling, huffing or other like behavior is not permitted. You are part of a family. We all contribute to the cleanliness and happiness of this home.
If they get an "O," in any of their boxes I assign an additional chore so that they may try again.

Things have vastly improved since we started doing chores this way.
The boys are great little workers and their help has genuinely helped me keep the house cleaner. I give them chores that actually need to be done!
It's given me the chance to teach them loads of new and necessary skills and I have been surprised by what they are actually capable of accomplishing. They can sort laundry, clean all the different parts of a bathroom, pick up entire rooms, put dishes away, dust, wipe, organize... all kinds of things!
We genuinely have a good time working together each morning, and I am hopeful that they are learning good lessons like: Work before play, etc.

The system has been in place long enough now that it is simply an expectation. We have much, much less push-back when I tell them what they are doing, and they even seem to be proud of the job well done!

OTHER THINGS I HAVE FOUND THAT HAVE HELPED:
*** Listen to Music While you Clean.  It's the "Whistle While You Work," principle.  Everything is easier when you have a song to work to!  It makes the whole house feel different and happier.  I have a Pandora Station with Disney music that they like, CD's with Children's Music, or sometimes I just put on "Mom," Music - making sure I choose something uplifting and peppy.***

***Properly Teach your Children What you Expect.  Showing them how to properly get something done by modeling the chore first, and then staying with them as they do it themselves for the first few times alone is key.  They need to know exactly what is expected of them and how the job is to be done.  This helps prevent future arguing or having to go back and do something again.  It also shows that you care enough to spend time teaching them and helping them succeed.***

***Do Your Own Chores at the Same Time.  I like to be working in other areas of the house when my kids are doing a chore that they have mastered.  I think this shows them a few things.  First, that I trust them in their abilities to accomplish what I assigned.  Second, that I am not asking them to do something that I am not doing myself.  Third, it gives me the opportunity to show them that I enjoy working and getting things done.  I hope my example of working without complaining, enjoying the work, and enjoying my finished product will rub off on them.  How can I expect them to not complain if they see me complaining?***

***Think About What You Hope To Teach Before Setting the System.  You have seen how me and my husband set up our chore system... this may or may not be a good way for YOU to do it.  We had specific problems that we were trying to address and specific things we were trying to teach.  What YOUR goals are should determine how you do it in your home.  IE- Do you pay your children for their chores or not?  Do you set a specific time each day to clean or not?  Do you work all together as a team on one job or do you divide and conquer?... There are no "right," answers to these questions, it's all about what you are hoping to teach.***

***Praise Your Children and Thank Them for a Job Well Done.  Give a hug.  Say "Thank You."  Do a high five.  Admire and praise their work.  Play a game together afterwards.  Do SOMETHING to show them that you appreciate their efforts.  Children have the same needs as adults to feel accepted and appreciated!***

***Split up Bickering/Easily Distracted Kids.  This may sound simple but it took me a minute to figure out!  I have learned that for my 2 boys we are doomed from the get go if they are working together on a task.  They inevitably do one of 2 things: Fight about who is doing the work and who is slacking off.  OR... Forget the job altogether and play.  Having them work on separate tasks in different areas of our home sure helps!

***Stick with it Because IT MATTERS!  Some days no matter what tricks you pull out of your hat it just doesn't go well.  I know sometimes I think "This would be so much easier to just DO MYSELF!!!" But we can't stop.  I want my children to someday be responsible men and contributing fathers.  The only way they will learn is by consistency and love.  When I get tempted to quit I remember this quote by Julie B. Beck from her General Conference Talk "Mother's Who Know.":

"Mothers who know are nurturers. This is their special assignment and role under the plan of happiness.⁵ To nurture means to cultivate, care for, and make grow. Therefore, mothers who know create a climate for spiritual and temporal growth in their homes. Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home. Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world. Working beside children in homemaking tasks creates opportunities to teach and model qualities children should emulate. Nurturing mothers are knowledgeable, but all the education women attain will avail them nothing if they do not have the skill to make a home that creates a climate for spiritual growth. Growth happens best in a “house of order,” and women should pattern their homes after the Lord’s house (see D&C 109). Nurturing requires organization, patience, love, and work. Helping growth occur through nurturing is truly a powerful and influential role bestowed on women."

That's what it's all about!

Kellie

I love Kellie.  She has two lovely sons, a busy accountant husband, a new nursing degree (woohoo!! congrats!) and a beautiful countenance.  She's the kind of person that makes you smile just by thinking about her.  That's the kind of person I want to be!  In fact, we like their family so much that we decided to swap children if they end up having another boy and we end up having another girl.  Perfect perfect!  (just kidding... kind of.  Her boys are really cute!!)  I literally laughed out loud at some of her tricks, because they are exactly the kinds of things I need to "let go" a bit.  I especially like her french braid trick at the end ;)  Enjoy!

-As much as I look up to your sister, Jane, for getting up early in the morning to exercise--I just prefer my sleep!  I'm a much better mama after getting a good night's sleep--and I'm not the type to go to bed early either!  So tip #1--get a restful night of sleep!  Your kiddos will thank you!  Confession: My boys are often up before I finally drag myself outta bed--we've taught them to read quietly or watch a show until mama is ready to get up!

-Speaking of exercise, I need it.  Bad!  Not only does it release those fantastic endorphins that can salvage a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day--it offers me a few hours of precious "me" time without feeling guilty because I know the boys are having a swell time in the child care center.  If you don't have a gym membership or a place that offers child care, I highly recommend it!  It has saved my sanity!  Plus the "You have two children?!" comments, that totally boost my self-confidence, are an added bonus!

-Secret stash.  Something for you and something for the kids.  "Boys it's nap/quiet time" is code for "mama needs to eat some cookies that you boys will never know existed." (See my reason for needing exercise?!) A fun little stash for the boys is always a huge hit.  It's not necessarily something sweet all the time, but something that they think is just for them.

-One of my biggest secrets I can't claim, because it was my awesome husb who started it.  Anyway, from the time they were old enough to sass me, instead of him saying, "Don't talk to your mother like that" he says, "don't talk to my wife like that."  Not too long ago, Ethan talked back to me and I overheard Teigan say, "Ethan, that is daddy's wife!  He will be upset if mom tells him!"  Haha!  I especially think this is important to teach your sons, but obviously daughters need to hear this, too!

-M&M's.  I don't discriminate which kind.  Any and all.  They make me nice.

- Because my boys are older, I keep cut up fruit, yogurt, cheese sticks and nuts in the fridge conveniently located at their height.  They love the indepence of being able to grab themselves a quick snack, and it saves me the time of having to do it "right this minute."

-Never underestimate the power of movie time and popcorn with your littles!  When I can tell it's just gonna be one of those days, I pop up some popcorn, lay out a blanket in the living room, let the boys pick a movie and life is suddenly back on track :)

-Like other moms have said, WEAR YOUR CHILDREN OUT during the day!  Makes bedtime a breeze!

-Let your kids DO things!  There have been so many times it would be easier/faster to do myself--but seeing the look on E's face after cracking an egg (even if I have to pick out eggshells from the batter!) is priceless.  And hey, they have to learn those things at some point anyway.  Plus, then they learn how to work.  My boys have been cleaning toilets and dust busting since they were 2 and they love to help me "clean."  This is one of my FAVORITE tips!

-For a cute look in ZERO time, french braid your hair while wet the night before.  Take it out in the morning for fabulous waves! (make sure hair is mostly dry before undoing).


-One more awesome tip: my boys take turns each night cleaning their bathroom. It just so happens one was born on an odd day and the other an even day so if it's an even day it's Teig's turn and Ethan gets odd days (bummer for Ethan on those 31st to 1st months :)) anyway, I keep Clorox wipes and mr clean mirror wipes under their sink and every night before bed they have to clean their own bathroom. I can't even remember the last time I cleaned their bathroom and it always looks spotless! And one less bathroom to clean is sure a time saver!