We can't be friends... or can we?

Loved this article today!

We can't be friends.

She definitely sounds like the kind of mom I want to be friends with, and the kind of friend I want to be to other moms. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves?

Teaching Kids to Work

Submitted by Ashlee --

This is a chore chart we instituted several weeks ago in response to a truly horrible day.
I had reached a breaking point with uncooperative and lazy attitudes.

The chore chart works thusly: First thing in the morning I write down what chores need to be done. After breakfast the boys must accomplish their list of chores before any play. You will notice there are 3 boxes to check off. This is to address the particular problems we had been experiencing.
The first is to indicate that the chore just plain old got done... I always inspect their work to make sure that things were done properly.
The second is for staying on task (ie. I shouldn't have to tell you to "keep cleaning!" 20,000 times before the job is actually finished. I don't actually enjoy being a nag!)
The third box is for having a good attitude. Any whining, fighting, complaining, eye rolling, huffing or other like behavior is not permitted. You are part of a family. We all contribute to the cleanliness and happiness of this home.
If they get an "O," in any of their boxes I assign an additional chore so that they may try again.

Things have vastly improved since we started doing chores this way.
The boys are great little workers and their help has genuinely helped me keep the house cleaner. I give them chores that actually need to be done!
It's given me the chance to teach them loads of new and necessary skills and I have been surprised by what they are actually capable of accomplishing. They can sort laundry, clean all the different parts of a bathroom, pick up entire rooms, put dishes away, dust, wipe, organize... all kinds of things!
We genuinely have a good time working together each morning, and I am hopeful that they are learning good lessons like: Work before play, etc.

The system has been in place long enough now that it is simply an expectation. We have much, much less push-back when I tell them what they are doing, and they even seem to be proud of the job well done!

OTHER THINGS I HAVE FOUND THAT HAVE HELPED:
*** Listen to Music While you Clean.  It's the "Whistle While You Work," principle.  Everything is easier when you have a song to work to!  It makes the whole house feel different and happier.  I have a Pandora Station with Disney music that they like, CD's with Children's Music, or sometimes I just put on "Mom," Music - making sure I choose something uplifting and peppy.***

***Properly Teach your Children What you Expect.  Showing them how to properly get something done by modeling the chore first, and then staying with them as they do it themselves for the first few times alone is key.  They need to know exactly what is expected of them and how the job is to be done.  This helps prevent future arguing or having to go back and do something again.  It also shows that you care enough to spend time teaching them and helping them succeed.***

***Do Your Own Chores at the Same Time.  I like to be working in other areas of the house when my kids are doing a chore that they have mastered.  I think this shows them a few things.  First, that I trust them in their abilities to accomplish what I assigned.  Second, that I am not asking them to do something that I am not doing myself.  Third, it gives me the opportunity to show them that I enjoy working and getting things done.  I hope my example of working without complaining, enjoying the work, and enjoying my finished product will rub off on them.  How can I expect them to not complain if they see me complaining?***

***Think About What You Hope To Teach Before Setting the System.  You have seen how me and my husband set up our chore system... this may or may not be a good way for YOU to do it.  We had specific problems that we were trying to address and specific things we were trying to teach.  What YOUR goals are should determine how you do it in your home.  IE- Do you pay your children for their chores or not?  Do you set a specific time each day to clean or not?  Do you work all together as a team on one job or do you divide and conquer?... There are no "right," answers to these questions, it's all about what you are hoping to teach.***

***Praise Your Children and Thank Them for a Job Well Done.  Give a hug.  Say "Thank You."  Do a high five.  Admire and praise their work.  Play a game together afterwards.  Do SOMETHING to show them that you appreciate their efforts.  Children have the same needs as adults to feel accepted and appreciated!***

***Split up Bickering/Easily Distracted Kids.  This may sound simple but it took me a minute to figure out!  I have learned that for my 2 boys we are doomed from the get go if they are working together on a task.  They inevitably do one of 2 things: Fight about who is doing the work and who is slacking off.  OR... Forget the job altogether and play.  Having them work on separate tasks in different areas of our home sure helps!

***Stick with it Because IT MATTERS!  Some days no matter what tricks you pull out of your hat it just doesn't go well.  I know sometimes I think "This would be so much easier to just DO MYSELF!!!" But we can't stop.  I want my children to someday be responsible men and contributing fathers.  The only way they will learn is by consistency and love.  When I get tempted to quit I remember this quote by Julie B. Beck from her General Conference Talk "Mother's Who Know.":

"Mothers who know are nurturers. This is their special assignment and role under the plan of happiness.⁵ To nurture means to cultivate, care for, and make grow. Therefore, mothers who know create a climate for spiritual and temporal growth in their homes. Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home. Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world. Working beside children in homemaking tasks creates opportunities to teach and model qualities children should emulate. Nurturing mothers are knowledgeable, but all the education women attain will avail them nothing if they do not have the skill to make a home that creates a climate for spiritual growth. Growth happens best in a “house of order,” and women should pattern their homes after the Lord’s house (see D&C 109). Nurturing requires organization, patience, love, and work. Helping growth occur through nurturing is truly a powerful and influential role bestowed on women."

That's what it's all about!

Changes?

I have been thinking a lot about parenting and what I hope people get out of this blog.  I want this to be a place for moms to come to find ideas and feel appreciated.  I want this to be uplifting and never discouraging.  I want this to be a source of clarity and stress-relief.  Because of these goals, I think I'll re-focus my structure.  Originally I wanted to have a theme for every month and focus every post on that theme.  Now that this blog is up and running, I find that I would rather go with the flow because I so enjoy learning about everyone's individual approaches to parenting.

So let's scrap the "theme" idea and just have a good old-fashioned discussion!

On that note, let's talk about schedules.  If I were to describe myself and my approach to parenting/homemaking, I would say I'm pretty relaxed.  Some things are just not worth stressing over (especially when you have little kids).  In fact, the idea of giving myself deadlines in parenting/homemaking stresses me out!  It frustrates me when I don't get something done that I had every intention of accomplishing... just because life got in the way.

So instead of giving myself a schedule, I decided to give myself a general daily routine and to-do list.  It includes things like exercising, going to the store, putting kids down for naps, taking a shower, making dinner, etc.  It seems to work pretty well for me.  But the routine is basically the same for every day.  And because I try to hit all the big things on my to-do list, all the little things that need to get done start stressing me out.  Things like sweeping the floor, folding the laundry, doing the dishes, playing with my kids etc.  I try to fit them in whenever I have a moment of downtime... which sometimes NEVER happens.  And since it's impossible to do everything during nap time which sometimes doesn't happen, I start getting stressed.

Then I decided to set a day for doing laundry -- Wednesday -- so that every time I start stressing out over laundry I can tell myself "It's OK, I'll do it on Wednesday.  I can worry about something else right now."  And so far, it's working pretty darn well.  Who knew that making a schedule and setting a deadline could actually reduce stress instead of increase it?  (probably everyone but me, but I finally figured it out for myself).

So I'm trying a new approach.  I think I need a schedule, even though that word scares me a little bit.   But I can't make it too detailed or else I'll start getting frustrated when my kids don't let ME get the things I WANT to get done (see how silly and selfish it sounds?  My goal in making a schedule is to take care of my kids in an organized manner... this should reduce stress to I can be a better parent... not give me another excuse to be stressed and selfish!)

I want a few days a week when I don't have to worry about cleaning and/or cooking.  I want a day when I can completely ignore house work to read a book or play with my kids.  I don't want to go grocery shopping more than once a week.  Some things you just have to do every day (dishes) but it doesn't mean you have to stress out about it.  I'm slowly learning to ignore certain things so I can do more important things (yes, I think it is a skill to know when and how to ignore things, even if it's house work!)  For example, I am learning to ignore the dishes in the sink until after the girls are in bed.  No big deal!

So here it is (tentatively).  I did not include my personal daily routine things (like nap time), just my "to-do-at-home" things:

Monday -- grocery shop. cook and freeze left overs
Tuesday -- kitchen. sweep/mop.  vacuum.  Eat freezer meal.
Wednesday -- laundry.  organize.  playgroups.  cook?  baths.  
Thursday -- kitchen.  bathrooms.  Eat freezer meal.  Mom/Dad night out (for visiting/home teaching, girl's night, church meetings etc)
Friday -- sweep. mop. organize. Free time for reading.  Date night?
Saturday -- play with dad day.  take out trash.  vacuum.  baths.
Sunday -- rest.

I have a feeling this will change a lot over the next few weeks, but it's such a relief to have a starting point.

What is your approach to house work and play time?  How do you prioritize what needs to get done and when?  How do you get your kids to help out?

Janey Pie

Jane is a busy mother of two living and working as a freelance photographer in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  She calls her business JaneyPie Photography.  With 2 kids under three and a thriving business to manage, you can bet she's one busy woman!  And she is good at what she does.  One of my favorite things about Jane is that she stays cool when life is chaos.  She's good at saying "It's no big deal" -- a phrase I need to use more often, especially in parenting.

Here are some of her favorite tricks:

1. Creating simple Photoshop Actions to make blogging faster and easier.
2. Running in the morning before the day starts
3. Only planning 1-2 activities per day for me & the kids so that I have more free time for them. So that when Halle says, "Will you read this book?" I can drop everything and say "YES!"
4. Having art/crafty projects at the ready to entertain my two-year-old during down time. 
5. Instead of letting myself get mad when Halle is whiny/tired/irritable, I try to take a deep breath and just redirect her attention. Usually if she's upset or getting into trouble, it's because she's bored, not because she's trying to be a bad girl.
6. Using the same bedtime routine every night to help my toddler recognize it's time to calm down and go to bed. For example:  Making up stories at bedtime that always end with, "And then she got soooo tired and her mommy tucked her into bed and said, 'goodnight - I love you'. " which my two-year-old can relate to. It helps her realize she's tired and that it's bedtime.
7. Bedtime is always easier if I wear out my toddler during the day. That means LESS TV and more PLAY TIME. So I try to go outside with her every day. Hopefully we make it to the park or to the swimming pool. Sometimes it's just chalk on the driveway and watering the garden.
8. When we're out on a walk, I let my toddler run next to me until she gets tired. Then she's more willing to sit in the stroller to relax. 
9. Having certain foods on hand for quick easy dinners. For example: I like to always have chicken, black beans, enchilada sauce, and green chiles on hand so that we can have easy soft tacos in a jiffy. Other quick and easy meals include Pancakes & Eggs, Spaghetti & Meat Sauce, Baked BBQ Chicken with instant mashed potatoes, Roast & Vegetables in the crockpot, and Bagel & Egg sandwiches.
10. Purchasing several of the same girly gift items at once for future birthday gifts at the ready. 
11. Making sure that everything in my house has a "place" so that when it's time for cleanup, we can avoid collecting clutter! (Still working on this one)
12. Photographing the 'non-smile' moments that communicate kid's personality instead of waiting for the smile.  

Living in the Big Apple

Meet Tessa Egan.  She's a mother of two living in a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan.  Yes, you read that right.  1 bedroom, 4 people, living in the heart of New York City!  What an adventure!  I love reading her blog because I'm always amazed by the ways she makes home life happy and functional.  I remember when she first moved to NY.  They had to replace their only car with a nice double stroller and get rid of most of their possessions just to fit in their new apartment.  She now takes the subway to get to and from the grocery store (and everywhere else for that matter.)  Her pace of life is just so different from mine.  And yet, amongst all the hustle and bustle of a big city, she manages to see the beautiful and uplifting details in life.  I'm just so impressed with her.

Out of necessity, she has found lots of tricks to streamline family living.   Here is what she has to say:


The snack bag (I use an insulated lunch bag): Very important in NYC. I pack it every morning with a variety of snacks, and usually some PB&Js if we're not going to be home in time for lunch. I just toss it in the stroller basket and keep it there. We're always on the go, so it really helps to be able to just pull stuff out when the kids are hungry. And when we spend the morning at the park and the kids have already eaten their PB&Js as well, that means, I get to put them straight down for their afternoon nap when we get home. Also, I always keep a last resort treat snack in the stroller (for when the kids break down on the subway), maybe not the best parenting idea, but by that point, I'm just trying to survive.

Packing a stroller: I have to make sure I have everything ready to go in the stroller so I am prepared for whatever comes our way on our little adventures. In the summertime I keep a gallon-size Ziploc with swim shorts for the boys, sunscreen, and mini towel for the park, and usually sand shovels and stuff. In the wintertime, I pack extra gloves, scarves, hats, and usually the stroller gets filled up as we shed layers throughout the day. I always have a water bottle, my wallet, sunscreen, lotion, hand sanitizer on a key ring, the snack bag, a diaper clutch with fresh diaper and wipes, and band aids. I bought a stroller handle organizer so I don't have to carry a purse around with me and so I can grab what I need quickly.

Keeping kids entertained in a tiny apartment: Still trying to figure this one out. What has worked so far: I have a drawer of art supplies that Joseph and Dan love to go to and experiment with. I keep it at kid-level so they can access it when they feel like it (therefore I do not include markers, adult scissors, finger paints, or anything that would need more adult supervision). Joseph loves Crayola crayons, watercolors, paint with water books, playdough, gluesticks and child scissors. And Dan will usually do what Joseph does, but not for as long. During Dan's morning nap, Joseph gets some computer time if he's been good. He gets to play preschool games on PBSkids or Disney online.  
Keeping clutter at bay/saving money: De-cluttering seriously feels great and relieves a lot of stress for me, even though it does take a little time. But it's well worth it. It feels so good to have a few less things in your space that weren't very useful anyway. When we were moving, my rule was to get rid of everything we hadn't used in the last few months (some exceptions of course like sewing machines, personal treasures, files, etc). And honestly, I can't remember what most of those things were. Now we live in such a tiny space that my trick before I buy something is to think in my head of exactly where I'm going to put it. If I can't think of a place and it's not worth making a place for, I don't buy it.
And if I buy an item of clothing for me, I usually switch out something I don't wear any more and give it away. I periodically go through my closet and grade my clothes. The A's get to stay. The B's, I can think about keeping. The C's and D's and F's (as far as how much I like them, or how l look in them) definitely have to go. Then it's not as hard to get dressed in the morning because there aren't too many clothes to go through and when you put something on it will usually look great.  I once heard a rule to follow when shopping (I don't remember where I heard it), but now I use it a lot: If you don't NEED it AND you don't LOVE it...definitely don't buy it. If I'm buying something I don't need, I try to only get it if I can give it a grade of 100%. Or else I'll just end up getting rid of it later:)

Other decluttering tricks:
When I'm sick of a toy, I get rid of it. Sometimes I notice that for the last few weeks I've been stubbing my toe on the same old thing that gets played with for 3 minutes, so out it goes. Sure, there are a few toys that I wish maybe I'd have kept, but usually I don't notice, and then we're left with toys that we really like.
I do make room for children's books.
I limit sheet sets, towels, cleaning supplies, tablecloths, dishes, etc to what we actually USE, because we just don't have room for more. BUT, I do wish I could have room for more:)



Little tricks that I don't really realize I do:

Put my exercise clothes and shoes right by my bed at night so it's that much easier to get dressed and run out the door for exercise in the morning. 

Buy Joseph shoes that he knows how to put on himself. Makes getting out the door so much easier. 

When I'm at the end of my rope: Turn on some fun music or go in another room and close the door for a few minutes while the kids are watching a show. Or if Brandon's home, have him take the kids outside while I clean/cook/eat chocolate all by myself.

When both kids are crying, just get out the door even if they're crying the whole way. Everyone's happier once we get out.

FHE lessons: The Gospel Art Kit is great when we don't have a plan. We let each kid pick a picture and we tell the scripture story.

Pre-mix waffle batter night before for easy breakfast and to add waffles to the snack bag.

Roll cookie dough into balls and put on cookie sheet. Freeze 'til the dough is hard enough and put all of the cookie dough balls in a freezer bag. Pull out how many you need and bake as needed. Easy for last minute dessert/visiting teaching/last minute company coming over.

Keep diaper wipes in the kitchen and bathroom for quick clean-ups.

Wash toilet, mirror, sink in bathroom while the kids are in the tub. Might as well do something useful while I'm keeping an eye on them.

When I have a new baby I like clear shower curtain liners so I can put the baby in the bathroom and still see what's going on while I'm showering.

My favorite mom-rejuvenation trick: When the kids go to bed, it's my time to watch a show, eat a big bowl of fruit, and a piece of dessert. I'm happy to have Brandon join me.

(a note from Emily) Alone time:  her husband takes the kids every Saturday so she can have some time to herself to explore the city or get things done.  Brilliant and necessary!**