DINO-vember

You have probably seen this already, but I enjoyed it too much not to share.

This comic literally made me laugh out loud! The silly things parents do to make their kids happy. 

DINO-vember

I want to be this kind of mom. It doesn't cost any money, but it sparks wonder and makes lasting memories. I can't wait to see the look in Eva's eyes when she thinks her Woody Doll actually came to life during the night...

The Invisible Mother

This week, I struggled to recognize the value I add to our family.  All I could see were my many weaknesses and none of my strengths.  

Then my husband showed me this article, called The Invisible Mother by WhatcomFamilies.com.  It reminded me of what I am working for as a mother, and also what my mother (and my mother-in-law) worked for in raising me and Jeff.  None of the details of our lives of raising children are lost in the eyes of our Heavenly Father, though they often go unnoticed to everyone but Him.  

I couldn't help but think of the many breathtaking monuments we saw during our adventure in Europe this summer.  Though we can't know the names of the creators nor the sacrifices made in the making of these masterpieces, we do know the majesty of their enduring gifts.  

Take a look...

Stonehenge

Roman Baths

Cathedral in Puerto de Mallorca, Spain

Stained glass window in Mallorca, Spain

details on the cathedral in Lucca, Italy. 

Tower of Pisa, Italy

Pisa baptistry, Italy

Colosseum in Rome, Italy

Pantheon in Rome, Italy

inside the Pantheon in Rome, Italy

Unnamed cathedral in Venice, Italy

Doge's Palace in Venice, Italy

Tiled floor of San Marco's Cathedral in Venice, Italy

Rialto bridge in Venice, Italy

Santa Anna's Cathedral in Venice, Italy

Inside Notre Dame Cathedral in Marseilles, France

Salt Lake City Temple in Utah

I believe I am a complex, purposefully constructed cathedral created by my parents both earthly and heavenly.  I also believe that my children are beautiful cathedrals in the making.  No monotonous detail lacks value in the lives of our precious little mini-cathedrals :).

Dustin Hoffman on Women's Beauty

How do you feel about this video?  

Mom's Body Image

Here is a beautiful article I found through my dear sister, Natalie.  

My favorite passage from the article:

Let us honor and respect our bodies for what they do instead of despising them for how they appear. Focus on living healthy and active lives, let our weight fall where it may, and consign our body hatred in the past where it belongs. When I looked at that photo of you in the white bathing suit all those years ago, my innocent young eyes saw the truth. I saw unconditional love, beauty, and wisdom. I saw my Mom.

I believe we are all prone to be critical of our bodies, especially as we sacrifice them time and time again for the well-being of our children.  What starts out as a noble sacrifice turns in to self-loathing as we persist in noticing all the "wrong" about our bodies.  I wish there was an easier answer to the problem of women's bad body image.  I guess the best answer for me is that we can choose to love ourselves a little bit better every day.  

(For the record, my mom did a marvelous job of showing me the worth of women regardless of outer appearances!) 

Being "Good Enough"

I loved reading this article.  There is something special about accepting yourself and your children as "good enough".  In fact, the act of this acceptance actually makes you a better parent!  Letting go of "perfection" allows us to focus on the really important things... which are always simple. 

 I hope you enjoy this article from SW Parents as much I as did.

"Sometimes – and the dark, cold, cooped-up days of January are just such times – it seems that we can’t get this parenting thing right. Our kids fight us and each other, they defy our orders and all logic, and they seem to be moving backwards as much as moving ahead.

At times like these, it’s helpful to imagine what it takes to be “good enough.” Not spectacular. Not amazing. Just good enough.

The human race has been around for a long, long time and most people have turned out okay. This should be a clue that being “good enough” as a parent isn’t all that complicated. And it’s not. Study after study after study has shown that to become capable, competent, well-adjusted citizens, most children need just a few simple things.

Kids need to know they’re loved and appreciated. This isn’t very difficult to do, but often we forget how important this is. Stop and tell your children that you love them dearly, at least once every day.

Kids need to know you have confidence in them. Here again, it’s easy to try to make our kids perfect instead of recognizing that they’re a work-in-progress. Actually, we’re all a work-in-progress. We all make mistakes and have to redo things. Let your children know that you know they will eventually succeed.

Kids need to know that you’re there to help. You may not have all the answers. In fact, it’s certain that you don’t. But you do have your children’s best interests at heart and no matter what trouble they get into you’re there to lend a hand. Children need to know this with certainty. Do yours?

Kids need to know that there’s always a solution. Children who have a positive attitude and are resilient in the face of setbacks do better in school and grow up to do better in life. Being resourceful and persistent are skills every child needs, and they learn them from you.

There. That’s not too hard. Being “good enough” as a parent has nothing to do with what are sometimes called “the advantages” of life. It’s not about things that money can buy. It’s about the things money can’t buy. Being good enough involves trying to make a real emotional connection with your children without expecting them – or expecting you – to be perfect.

Actions speak louder than words. Acting “good enough” is good enough."  - Dr. Patricia Nan Andersion

Some Alternatives to Punishment

I love this article from SW Parents.

It has helped me rethink how I approach my two-year-old's behavior.  We have been struggling with independence and stubbornness lately, and so my natural reaction is to put my foot down and say "No!  I'm the mom so I get to make all the decisions!"  In essence, I'm giving her the perfect example of a stubborn, independence driven temper tantrum.  I didn't stop to realize that my child's "misbehavior" is also a form of communication.  I should have seen her tantrums as a way of saying "Mom, I'm growing up.  I can handle this."  And you know what, she can.  And you know what else?  The "punishments" we have used in the past really don't work very well.  It just creates negativity and hurt feelings.

I learned a valuable trick from my sister recently.  Instead of nagging her kids to eat their dinner, she cheers them on by saying "Go, Eva, go!  You can do it!"  Talk about an uplifting dinner routine!  Since then, my two-year-old has started cheering us on when we eat all our food.  It's pretty much the cutest thing ever!  That never would have happened if I had continued threatening my daughter instead of encouraging her.

As a final note, I'm not saying that we should let our kids walk all over us parents.  I'm just saying there is a better way than letting yourself get worked up about misbehavior, a lesson I have had to learn over and over again.  (I will probably have to learn it many more times before I get the hang of it!) So try encouragement instead of threats.  These tricks might work for you:

From SW Parents:

1. Show kids what you DO want them to do, and support them, encourage them, catch them doing it, praise them.  Give them positive options!
2. Change the child’s environment so that it supports positive behaviors.  Simple example: don’t keep the jar of cookies where your 3 year old can reach them.  More complex example: figure out how long of a playdate your kid can handle before falling apart.  Keep playdates within that time frame until you’re both ready to experiment with incremental increases.
3. Figure out what’s behind the unwanted/negative behaviors.  Behavior is a communication, I like to say… what is your child’s behavior saying to you?  Hint: it’s usually something along the lines of: “I’m tired and over stimulated” or “I can’t handle this much freedom,” or “I really need more time with you/attention from you,” or “Something’s not right with me,” or  “I am not getting enough opportunities to feel powerful and in charge of my life.”  When parents understand what the child’s behavior is communicating, they can better meet the underlying need… which generally has a positive effect on the unwanted behavior!

Teaching Kids to Work

Submitted by Ashlee --

This is a chore chart we instituted several weeks ago in response to a truly horrible day.
I had reached a breaking point with uncooperative and lazy attitudes.

The chore chart works thusly: First thing in the morning I write down what chores need to be done. After breakfast the boys must accomplish their list of chores before any play. You will notice there are 3 boxes to check off. This is to address the particular problems we had been experiencing.
The first is to indicate that the chore just plain old got done... I always inspect their work to make sure that things were done properly.
The second is for staying on task (ie. I shouldn't have to tell you to "keep cleaning!" 20,000 times before the job is actually finished. I don't actually enjoy being a nag!)
The third box is for having a good attitude. Any whining, fighting, complaining, eye rolling, huffing or other like behavior is not permitted. You are part of a family. We all contribute to the cleanliness and happiness of this home.
If they get an "O," in any of their boxes I assign an additional chore so that they may try again.

Things have vastly improved since we started doing chores this way.
The boys are great little workers and their help has genuinely helped me keep the house cleaner. I give them chores that actually need to be done!
It's given me the chance to teach them loads of new and necessary skills and I have been surprised by what they are actually capable of accomplishing. They can sort laundry, clean all the different parts of a bathroom, pick up entire rooms, put dishes away, dust, wipe, organize... all kinds of things!
We genuinely have a good time working together each morning, and I am hopeful that they are learning good lessons like: Work before play, etc.

The system has been in place long enough now that it is simply an expectation. We have much, much less push-back when I tell them what they are doing, and they even seem to be proud of the job well done!

OTHER THINGS I HAVE FOUND THAT HAVE HELPED:
*** Listen to Music While you Clean.  It's the "Whistle While You Work," principle.  Everything is easier when you have a song to work to!  It makes the whole house feel different and happier.  I have a Pandora Station with Disney music that they like, CD's with Children's Music, or sometimes I just put on "Mom," Music - making sure I choose something uplifting and peppy.***

***Properly Teach your Children What you Expect.  Showing them how to properly get something done by modeling the chore first, and then staying with them as they do it themselves for the first few times alone is key.  They need to know exactly what is expected of them and how the job is to be done.  This helps prevent future arguing or having to go back and do something again.  It also shows that you care enough to spend time teaching them and helping them succeed.***

***Do Your Own Chores at the Same Time.  I like to be working in other areas of the house when my kids are doing a chore that they have mastered.  I think this shows them a few things.  First, that I trust them in their abilities to accomplish what I assigned.  Second, that I am not asking them to do something that I am not doing myself.  Third, it gives me the opportunity to show them that I enjoy working and getting things done.  I hope my example of working without complaining, enjoying the work, and enjoying my finished product will rub off on them.  How can I expect them to not complain if they see me complaining?***

***Think About What You Hope To Teach Before Setting the System.  You have seen how me and my husband set up our chore system... this may or may not be a good way for YOU to do it.  We had specific problems that we were trying to address and specific things we were trying to teach.  What YOUR goals are should determine how you do it in your home.  IE- Do you pay your children for their chores or not?  Do you set a specific time each day to clean or not?  Do you work all together as a team on one job or do you divide and conquer?... There are no "right," answers to these questions, it's all about what you are hoping to teach.***

***Praise Your Children and Thank Them for a Job Well Done.  Give a hug.  Say "Thank You."  Do a high five.  Admire and praise their work.  Play a game together afterwards.  Do SOMETHING to show them that you appreciate their efforts.  Children have the same needs as adults to feel accepted and appreciated!***

***Split up Bickering/Easily Distracted Kids.  This may sound simple but it took me a minute to figure out!  I have learned that for my 2 boys we are doomed from the get go if they are working together on a task.  They inevitably do one of 2 things: Fight about who is doing the work and who is slacking off.  OR... Forget the job altogether and play.  Having them work on separate tasks in different areas of our home sure helps!

***Stick with it Because IT MATTERS!  Some days no matter what tricks you pull out of your hat it just doesn't go well.  I know sometimes I think "This would be so much easier to just DO MYSELF!!!" But we can't stop.  I want my children to someday be responsible men and contributing fathers.  The only way they will learn is by consistency and love.  When I get tempted to quit I remember this quote by Julie B. Beck from her General Conference Talk "Mother's Who Know.":

"Mothers who know are nurturers. This is their special assignment and role under the plan of happiness.⁵ To nurture means to cultivate, care for, and make grow. Therefore, mothers who know create a climate for spiritual and temporal growth in their homes. Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home. Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world. Working beside children in homemaking tasks creates opportunities to teach and model qualities children should emulate. Nurturing mothers are knowledgeable, but all the education women attain will avail them nothing if they do not have the skill to make a home that creates a climate for spiritual growth. Growth happens best in a “house of order,” and women should pattern their homes after the Lord’s house (see D&C 109). Nurturing requires organization, patience, love, and work. Helping growth occur through nurturing is truly a powerful and influential role bestowed on women."

That's what it's all about!

Rachel's Tips: Part 1

I have been excited to share this post for a long time.  Rachel is one of my dear friends.  When I first met her, I had a newborn baby and was struggling with my identity as a mom.  Rachel was pregnant with her 2nd boy, had big responsibilities at church, and still managed to serve people around her.  You could tell by looking at her that she is sweet, humble and confident.  I admit that I was intimidated by her goodness.  I wanted to be a mom like her, but I thought "A girl like Rachel would never be friends with a girl like me".  How quickly she resolved that problem!  She now has 2 boys and is expecting a baby girl in December.  What a cute family! 

When I asked her to participate in FB&FM, she took her time to ponder what advice she could offer as a mom.  This is part 1 of what will be several posts, which I am very excited about :).  I have been thinking about this advice for some time now, and it has helped me realize the way I am portraying myself to my kids on a daily basis.  I want my kids to believe that it is my greatest joy to take care of them -- not my greatest burden.  What an important way to establish confidence and emotional stability in their young lives!  I especially like the last few lines: "they hopefully get the message that I am the mom and there isn't anything they can throw at me that I can't calmly deal with." Anyway, enough from me.  Here is what Rachel has to say:

Make my children believe that they are easy to be taken care of

I am the mom who is always seeking advice, or mommy tricks, from other moms so I've had a hard time coming up with something of my own to share. However, after a little thought, I remembered something that helps me keep it together--mentally--when I'm about. To pull. My hair. Out. Because sometimes I am despite how much I love my kids and my job (mothering).

So, on to one of my "french braids and freezer meals".

I try to make my children believe that they are EASY to take care of by believing, myself, that they are easy to take care of. It sounds kind of manipulative but I don't like to think of it that way. It's a frame of mind for me that keeps me sane, and it's a message, I can show through my example, that transfers to my kids and magically--or so it seems--they ARE EASY(er) to take care of. (Whether they are easier or whether it's just my frame of mind, if it makes my life easier and happier, I'll take it.)

Believing and showing my kids that they are easy to take care of can be very hard to do when I've heard the ump-teenth "why?" of the day (my son is 4). Or when I'm trying to make dinner and my boys are under my legs, screaming and crying, and asking for snacks and treats. Or when my son has colored outside of the lines and wants me to print out another Bob the Builder coloring page--the 5th in 10 minutes--because it has to be perfect.

These are examples of times (and they all happened today) that my children do things that frankly annoy me (can I say that?). They're not hurting anyone, and they're not necessarily being disrespectful. They're just being kids. But, at those times I don't feel like responding in the most loving way. I want to respond in a desperate way. I want to roll my eyes, use a frustrated tone, tell them to "Be quiet!" or even beg, "Just give me ten (boo-hoo) minutes!"

Doing those things sends my kids the message that they are HARD to take care of and maybe that I don't really enjoy taking care of them, which is far from the truth, and a message I do not want to send them. At those frustrating times, what I try to do is:

• Catch myself getting annoyed (before I blow up or behave like a child myself).
• Remember that they are just kids and I'm the "mature adult".
• Take a deep breath, smile at them, and calmly offer my help, "What do you need?" 

*At this point my child is usually still frustrated or throwing a tantrum and makes the request in a childish way. Surprise, surprise. Despite my frazzled nerves I stay calm.

• I smile at my child or show empathy (hold, hug, kiss). Do you think they're getting the message that they are easy to take care of/I know what I'm doing?
• I tell myself, "this is easy; I can be the responsible adult".
• My mentality is: I can show him by my example that I can deal calmly with frustrating situations (even if he's the one making this a frustrating situation). 

At this point my response to the request, or the consequence of my child's behavior is determined by the situation and the rules of our house (e.g. I normally wouldn't let my kids have treats or snacks while I'm preparing dinner, even if they do calm down and ask kindly). I use my parental discretion--and you can, too.

But, whatever I do choose to do, I show confidence and love in my decision. That way, even if my kids aren't happy with what I've decided they hopefully get the message that I am the mom and there isn't anything they can throw at me that I can't calmly deal with.

Taking care of them is--becomes--EASY.